"So, what I hear you saying is..."

In the past few weeks, the news has been dominated by stories of conflict. Two opposing sides go at each other to battle for supremacy, with what seems to be a "might makes right" mentality determining who is right.

The first story that comes to mind is the Cordoba House, or "Ground Zero Mosque" in New York. Opponents claim that it is insensitive to build a mosque so close to a "sacred site," and supporters asserting free speech rights and religious freedom.

Another story is the illegal immigration debate. Tea Party members are holding rallies at the border saying we should put guards on the Mexican side to keep "them" out, and others not doing enough to point out corporate abuses of illegal immigrants by hiring them and allowing timed federal raids so as not to disturb production.

The third story is the most recent. Dr. Laura Schlessinger said on Larry King Live that she will step down at the end of her radio show contract to "regain her first amendment rights" after she used the "N" word 11 times on her show. A black woman called to ask how to confront her white husband about comments his friends and family make (including use of the "N" word) that she finds offensive. Dr. Laura then criticized the woman for being "hypersensitive" and used "that" word and defending her usage by saying black comedians use it on HBO all the time. The woman said she was offended by Dr. Laura's usage and was told she has "a chip on her shoulder."
Here's the audio. She has since issued an apology. (More on this later, it's wild stuff).

All three of these stories feature a solid example of people's inability to listen to what another person is actually saying. In every story, and on both sides, few people (and usually not the ones with any publicity) are listening. Just yelling.

When Lindsey and I were in premarital counseling, our friend Seth Hankee gave us a pretty basic, but wonder-working tool for situations of conflict. He suggested we use the phrase, "so, wat I hear you saying is..." and then reiterate to the other party what it is exactly that one thinks they are saying. The other party is then given a chance to respond. When either Lindsey or myself asks this, it is usually the beginning of the end of our dispute. We begin to listen.

There's an example in the NY Times article I linked about an opponent of the mosque apologizing to a supporter for the way he spoke to him in a previous encounter. Pretty stellar. Way to set an example sir. Humility is the first step to conflict resolution.

Now let's practice. "What I hear you saying is..."